Could a guy named Doug leave a gal feeling like this?

“The guy in room 817…is called ‘Doug.’ Wanna know how I know? (p.s. Bravo, Doug. Bravo.)”

— Facebook status of a friend staying at the Newark Liberty International Airport Marriott

I’ve never stayed at the Marriott Newark International Airport Hotel, but it sounds like a wonderful place. So let’s review (naive reader, it’s ok to critique a hotel you’ve never stayed in if you’re a professional travel writer).

The Marriott’s 585 rooms feature “deluxe bedding and ergonomic furnishing.” So it’s probably a good bet that room 817 includes that plush adjustable chair with all the angles the cute little blonde models in the back of some magazines that I stopped looking at once I discovered the Internet. Guest rooms offer either one king or two double beds, leaving guests plenty of room to spread out or get spread out.

So why is the hotel room getting the credit and not the man who was evoking such delight from his lady partner? [Zach, don't assume Doug was shagging a woman. It's the 90s. – Ed.] His name was Doug. If his name were Ashton, Fabio or Zach, it’d be safe to assume the guy’s skill was the cause of his friend’s early evening delight. But Doug? He sounds like the sorta guy who’d finish, rollover, pass gas, and then watch SportsCenter even though it was a repeat. So let’s go with the room. (Readers: if you have evidence to the contrary about Dougs, feel free to share in the comments.)

For the more adventurous types, the Marriott Newark International Airport Hotel’s website prominently advertises that it’ll help you plan your next group event. What room 817 won’t be able to accommodate, the 6,264-square-foot grand ballroom surely will. And with 15 rooms for breakout sessions, there’s ample space for those of you who might be a bit shy. Or you could use them for theme rooms, you know, so the furries don’t have to feel ashamed (although you know they secretly want to).

But even if the Marriott Newark International Airport Hotel’s alluring features still don’t get you in the mood, here’s a cocktail that will:

1. Pour a generous shot of tequila.
2. Pound.
3. Close your eyes and think of Markie Post.
4. Repeat steps 1–3 as needed.

Interested in less lascivious lodging? Read “An objective review of the accommodations at my parents’ house.”

Newark Liberty International Airport Marriott
Newark Liberty International Airport
1 Hotel Road
Newark, NJ 07114
973-623-0006

Photo: Flickr/Rachel Kramer Bussel